Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
Randomize
