My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
Randomize
