if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
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