Well now I have my semen on her headphones
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
i admit it was a weird experience, but why regret what once made you cum
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Randomize
