did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Randomize
