My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
Randomize
