You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize
