I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize