make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
i've hooked up with him and three of his roommates and not a single one of them knows about it..think its safe to say i found the silver lining in a boys inability to communicate
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
Randomize