Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
I don't remember much but I remember it was a unanimous decision that Santa was indeed real and Cait's stripping somehow proved this.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
