don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize
