Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
Randomize
