Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
