i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
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