Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Randomize
