It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
