Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Randomize