I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Randomize
