I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Randomize
