WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
So not the biggest tits he had his cock between. He could have lied.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
Randomize
