Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
I bet him anal if they won...the one time Detroit decides to win, it had to be this week
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
Randomize
