im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
