Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
You took a bar mat shot.
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
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