That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
Every concussion has its silver lining
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
Randomize
