and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
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