Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
Randomize
