my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
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