I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Randomize
