Where are you?
In a non slutty way
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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