in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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