I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
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