I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
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