It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
Randomize
