You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
what do people who dont have blackberrys do while they poop?
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
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