I murdered the dance floor call the cops
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
