i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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