Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
Randomize
