all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
Just invented taco cereal.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
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