I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
Randomize
