This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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