Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
