Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Randomize
