I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Randomize
