I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
Randomize
