I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
stop calling my apartment porn island.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
Randomize
