Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
Charles is a playa. And I don't mean the spanish word for beach.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
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