I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
You have to summon your inner elephant
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
Randomize
