its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
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