I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Randomize
