Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
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