Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
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