corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Randomize
