i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
