You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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