we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
Randomize
