Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
