I think I just saw someone hide a body.
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
Randomize
