I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
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