Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
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